the year of yes

 “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”
- Flannery O’Connor

For the past couple of months, this blog has been one of the things that get me through the tough days. I am well aware that it is scarcely read (even though the posts are awesome), but that’s ok – I do it for me. Of course I would love it if I received dozens of gushing comments or thousands of page views, but I would also like to be a billionaire. Reality must set in at some point, but hey, a girl can dream cant she?

Usually when I sit down to write I can tell what the mood of my post will be depending on the music I play. When things were hard for me last year, John Mayer was my immediate go-to artist and it seemed as if his melancholy attitude and bad hair days manifested themselves in my posts. 

Lately, the playlists I put on have been substantially more cheery and upbeat. I think it reflects the fact that I am finally comfortable with writing what is really on my mind. Looking back, the first handful of posts I made spanned over two years and were terribly boring. They talked about what I did and who I saw and how happy I was, etc. etc. 

After I started reading other people’s blogs I realized I didn’t like posts that were all sunshine and rainbows. It was annoying and I usually never got to the bottom of the page. At that point it dawned on me that the people reading my blog probably didn’t like my posts either (it's ok, you are forgiven).

The posts I enjoy reading the most are those that the author doesn’t sensor him or herself. Those that you can tell were written in raw emotion, not deep in thought. I think that we truly enjoy reading stories when we connect with what the character is saying or doing on a personal level. Unfortunately, this rarely happens when authors try their hardest to not say anything too revealing about their personal lives.

For me, the best part about writing has been overcoming feeling embarrassed about sharing my feelings, successes or failures. Sure – I will probably never be able to hold public office, but they have awful hours anyway. 

Hitting the publish button on a post that literally broke my heart every time I read it was extremely difficult. Revealing that I have pretty much failed at every age-appropriate milestone I set for myself and am nowhere near being in a committed relationship was embarrassing. But after the initial shock of willingly sharing my stories with God knows who wore off, it’s actually been quite refreshing.

Gudzak and Mayer call it quits!

So with that being said, I must now offer my apologies to dear Mr. Mayer: John, you are a wonderful singer and I never intended to join ranks with Taylor Swift in publicly denouncing my affection for you – but I’ve moved on to bigger and happier playlists. It's not you, it’s me.