the year of yes

“Never be afraid to fall apart… it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you were all along.”

Back in February my best friends and I all clanked our glasses in cheers to 2012. Already a couple of drinks deep and packed into a small New York bar, we declared that since 2012 was the year of the dragon (and we are all dragons according to Chinese zodiac), this was our year. 

It’s funny how sometimes the things we have the most hope for are those that crash and burn before we even realize something is amiss.

This year started off wonderfully. I packed up my Christmas presents, new puppy and remainder of belongings I had in Florida and started on the 12 hour drive north to my new life in Washington D.C. 

Having already experienced the highs and lows of moving to a new city without a preexisting group of friends, I knew that there would be a painful adjustment period before I truly felt at home in Virginia. Although I knew it would be a long first couple of months, I put on a brave face and looked forward to the year that laid ahead of me.

Looking back now, it is comical how on-point the Chinese philosophers were when they determined what this year’s zodiac would be. That night in New York, I thought symbolically I was the dragon and 2012 would be my year to dominate. Now I realize that 2012 was actually the dragon, determined to dominate me.

In the span of four months I lost my grandmother, a tree fell on and totaled my car and my 4.5 year relationship that brought me to D.C. came to an end. 

Even seven months later, it is still difficult to write about the first wave of destruction that hit my life earlier this year. At the end of April my grandmother passed away after her multiple-year battle with breast cancer. Being the only member of our close-knit family that was not there with her that last week was unbearable. Hearing the news over the phone and not in a room filled with love and compassion and warm embraces was surreal. Although I knew she was gone, reality didn’t come full circle until I was at her funeral in Jacksonville, crying in the pew of the church I hoped to one day be married in.

After being back in D.C. for a couple of weeks, the second wave came in the form of an actual storm. Waking up one morning and seeing a tree sprawled out across my car was the cherry on the cake of my already shitty season. Was I secretly hoping for my beloved Big Red to be totaled so that I could get a fancy new car that wasn’t falling apart? Yes, but that was before I realized I would be swapping my ’04 for used car dealers and monthly payments.

The third wave to hit had been slowly building up in the sea, waiting for the perfect moment to come crashing down and drown the last bit of happiness I had saved from the previous downpours. Still picking up the pieces of a broken heart and attempting to mend a stress-ridden body, my will was put to the ultimate test when I realized that I could not stay in my relationship any longer. In a way, my breakup was the second death I had experienced this year. I was mourning all over again, just in a different way.

 

I won’t say it is funny looking back (because humorous is the last adjective I would use to describe this year) but in a way it does give me a sense of pride. The world dealt me some pretty terrible hands in 2012, but in the end, I like to think I came out on top. 

It is easy to like yourself and appreciate the person you are when things are going great. If you want a glimpse into your true character and grasp the depth of your personal strength, you need to go down those difficult and rocky roads and observe the person you are when you emerge at the end.